Preparing Siblings for CDH
As a parent, watching an only child become a sibling is so emotionally gratifying. It sets up moments of intense joy and interesting challenges as kids learn to share their parents’ time and energy. It is a huge transformational time for any child, but being the sibling of a medically complex child can present real obstacles for kids. Don’t despair – this is a huge opportunity for creating and cultivating strong bonds in your family. When approached with thoughtfulness, this can be a beautiful time of growth for your family. And best of all, it creates strong, confident, empathetic relationships between your kids.
If you have older children and have just gotten a CDH diagnosis, one of the hardest things to acknowledge and help the family understand is that everybody’s life is going to shift in potentially profound ways. If you already have a CDH child and are bringing home a healthy new baby, some of these conversations may come later – but either way, preparation is critical.
Honesty: First and foremost, honesty is everything when it comes to kids of any age. After a CDH diagnosis, you are bound to feel split in a million directions, and, as hard as it is, try to stay present and grounded with your healthy children. Kids are perceptive and they will know something is up. When you are in a good headspace to talk about it, let your older kids know that you are so excited about having a new baby but that the new baby is going to have a few extra needs. Remember that you are learning at the same time as they are, so be gentle with yourself during this time.
Familiarity: If you are relocating for care before or during a NICU stay with older children, share this information with them as much ahead of time as you can so that they have time and space to get used to the idea. While it might be tempting to look for new and exciting things to do (and it might help you and your partner on the adult end of adjusting to big change), most children are routine-driven and thrive in familiarity. Be sure to spend some time looking up some things for your older children to do in the area and talk up those things. If there is an amazing playscape at the hospital, talk about how cool the slides and swings are. If there is an excellent zoo in the area, ensure your kids know you want to take them there. Find restaurants you know they will like and get them excited to go there. This is a great time to establish anything that will be familiar – if your older children love a specific chain or type of food, make sure they know they can still have that in your new, temporary home. Especially for little ones, food is a great source of comfort, familiarity, and routine – all things they will crave during a time of transition.
Family Motto: When change comes, it is a great time to remind yourself and each other of who you are as a family. Work with your whole family to come up with a family motto or ethos to remind yourselves of when times get hard. Some examples might be:
“Andersons always work hard!”
“Garcias love each other no matter what!”
“In the Lee family, we take care of each other, never give up, and always have fun!”
Use these phrases, especially when you’re losing sight of the family unit during hard times.
Lean into Resources: Get in touch with the Child Life department at your hospital as soon as possible. They will most likely have resources from books and toys to conversational tips for you specific to certain treatments your baby might need to get. They can also provide advice and help with questions related to schools and daycares if needed. Every healthcare facility has its own approach to whole-family support, so be sure to familiarize yourself with the social workers and case managers on staff, as they will know the unique opportunities available at your facility.
There is also no shame whatsoever in getting some preemptive family therapy if this is within your time and budget to help your whole family prepare. Please also be sure to check out our blog on talking to children about CDH to help make sure that your kids know what is going on.
For all of these ideas, loop in other adults that spend a lot of time with your kids, like grandparents and aunts or uncles, to make sure that they are echoing your language and the ways you choose to support your kids through this. This way, they can trust that all of their adults are on the same page.
Extra Support
Any life change presents challenges for kids and if your children show any signs of needing extra support, know that this is a natural byproduct of big transitions in their lives and not indicative of any fault on your part. Lean into school resources, counseling and therapy, and your village as you talk through any of these issues with your kids. These are some signs you should keep an eye out for after your kids find out about the upcoming changes:
Dramatic changes in behavior, particularly withdrawal
A lack of enjoyment in their favorite activities
Angry outbursts
Increased anxiety, especially over little things that normally do not bother them
Sudden declines in grades or performance at school
Acting out for attention
Violence towards self or others
Loss or lack of interest in friends
As always, keep in mind that every family is unique and be flexible to your family’s individual needs and environment. Of course, never forget you have a whole network of Tiny Hero families that have walked in your shoes and are walking alongside you now. Reach out to fellow CDH families, post in our support group, or write us directly if we can help in any way!
